Aslan333's Anecdotes: A Nigerian Tale

Aslan333 is off the hooooook!

Yes he...or she is _ a Nigerian superstar

I have not laughed as hard as I did this morning while reading this piece of comedy genius in a long, long time. 

I discovered this writer's work on Nairaland which is a Nigeria based chat forum. Worth visiting if your want to learn something new in an informal and oft times hilarious manner about this nation and it's people. 
I received an email from Aslan333 (pen name) giving me permission to post his work so here I am, deciding that the author is a he based on his email pseudonym, Bruce Wayne.

To be honest with you, I can't decide whether the author is a romantic, comedy or fantasy writer....he seems to expertly dabble in all. The first story of his that I laid my eyes on was Land of Shadows which I immediately decided had to be featured on my blog. It is more of a fantasy tale i think but i kept postponing publishing it and could not explain the why of that even to myself. 

Until this moment that is, this is what I've been intuitively waiting for_A Woman's Strenth. 

It is not Land of Shadow as planned but it is bloody hilarious, and I might also add that it is not, as the name suggests, about a woman but rather some poor soul whose life seems to be overwhelmed by them despite his "delusions of masculine dominance" (my opinion). And I must tell you, you will be knocked of your bloomers (aka g-strings these days)......and underpants by his beguiling, tongue in cheek humor that is transposed so flawlessly to his writing. 

And for those of us who's only exposure to Nigerian literature is through Africa Magic's cock and bull deplorable scripting, I categorecally state that this author bears no comparison or resemblence to such mediocracy. Yes his work is threaded and dripping with the uniquely outrageous Nigerian humor (you know the one ....it'll have you splitting your pants if they too tight), but he is a writer in a league of his own, a writer worthy of a world platform....

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did if not more.

Warning: No drinking while reading this, liquid has a habit of making it's way up your nasal passage.

A Woman's Strength

Chapter 1_ I love my wife

I love my wife, its her mother I can’t stand. I know you must be saying if you really love your wife you’ll love everything about her. To that I say “you haven’t met my mother-in-law. The day started out great, I opened my eyes to see my wife’s sensuous body gliding gracefully towards me and as she opened her mouth my body was excited in anticipation of her melodious voice only to hear her say what most husbands dread “darling my mom will be visiting tomorrow can you please pick her up?” I hear the sound of a promising day get flushed down the toilet. But honey you know i have that business meeting tomorrow I say; {now there’s a lie if I ever told one}. Your lying she says. Just say you don’t want to pick her up. Me lying? I am the lord of this manor, the king of the castle, why do I have to lie? Am not picking her up and that’s final. We’ll see she says

On my way to work I sit in traffic, fuming. Who does she think she is inviting her mother over like that? Does she think I am our father Adam who said to eve “but God said we shouldn’t eat it and she stroked his head saying shut up and eat you silly boy” and the rest is history. Or doe she think am Samson who was singing “why don’t you braid my hair” hand in hand with Delilah all the way to the barbershop. No way. In my house my word is law. Am at the top of the food chain.

We meet at 6 o’clock for mid-week fellowship and she has saved a space for me. The pastors’ sermon is on the miracles of Jesus ad we open to Matthew 8 vs. 14-15. The verse reads “when Jesus arrived at peters house, peters mother-in-law was in bed with a high fever. But when Jesus touched her head, the fever left her”. What is this? Some kind of divine conspiracy? She passes me a note and on it is written “you see, Jesus loved peters mother-in-law” and I write back “yeah JESUS loved peters mother-in-law, not peter.

Its 8.30p.m, I sit on the couch channel surfing and starving, wondering why I refused to eat her food earlier this evening. She saunters to the front of the TV and says “I’ve warmed your favorite are you ready to eat now?’ who told you I am hungry I reply. I know your not hungry but just eat to make me happy she says. Okay just because of the effort you put in I say. We both know I can’t resist her cooking, but she expertly strokes my ego and am starting to wonder who’s really in charge.

Its 9.45p.m, she’s massaging my shoulders and we start making passionate love on the sitting room floor. Thank God our daughter is only a year old. I wouldn’t want our kids rushing into the parlor screaming “daddy what are you doing to mummy? And why is she screaming yes yes yes when no one is asking her any questions”. She gives the signals for another round, I can’t let her know I am exhausted so I apply delay tactics until we both sleep off.

Its 7a.m and I wake up to my wife’s angelic smile. And I start thinking, who am I to judge father Adam? And maybe Samson wasn’t such a not-so-smart person after all. I am the lord of this manor, the king of the castle. My wife whispers in my ear “honey my mom just called, she’s at the park”. Am on my way, I reply, while I fetch my car keys. I know your saying, after all your tough talk you still gave in. To that I say “you haven’t met my wife”

I hear voices. Am not crazy or anything it’s just that I get messages from on high from time to time. My wife finds it amusing while my mother-in-law finds it annoying. She’s spending a couple of weeks with us and I am sure her husband is hoping she extends her stay. She came at a really bad time because I am between jobs right now (nice way of saying I am not working) and my wife is supporting us. Because of that she never misses a chance to take a swipe at me. I mean just the other day when I was eating my wife’s delicious spaghetti and meatballs she just sat there staring at me, after about five minutes she walks into the guestroom and puts this huge mirror directly opposite me (to be honest one look at myself with spaghetti sticking out of my mouth and my bulging eyeballs made me lose my appetite) as she walks away she says “am sure if you take job hunting just as seriously you’ll land a job”

It’s Monday morning and I am preparing for an interview, I stand in front of the mirror psyching myself up, asking myself questions and smiling at my reflection. The horror that likes to “soro” stands at the passage (how could I leave my room door open?) ten minutes later I hear her saying “se mo so fun e pe oko re tun ya were ori kpe o tun tin ba re so oro” I don’t know what it means but it sounds pretty bad so I shout my goodbyes and escape through the back door

Its 3p.m, the interview was great and I’ve been offered a job. I take my wife out to celebrate. On the way to the restaurant I am hit from behind by some guy. I jump out screaming “you not-so-smart person”; he is full of apologies as he checks out my car. In my anger I give him a dirty slap and the last thing I hear is the sound of thunder before everything goes dark.

Its 5p.m, I open my eye(I can only open one) and see my lovely wife with the guy I slapped, it seems I am in the hospital (my wife explains the guy knocked me out with a punch; so here I am). I smile sheepishly and she says I married you and not Rambo. The man is full of apologies and takes care of the bill. I apologize too, and we shake on it.

Its 7.30p.m I walk into the living room and my mother-in-law says “my God you look like a gorilla with dysentery, what happened?” my wife explains while I go upstairs to lie down. I lie in bed watching shakira dancing on TV and I think to myself its stuff like this that cost John the Baptist his head.

Its 9.30p.m I wake up with a serious headache, as I walk downstairs to take some pills I overhear my mother-in-law praying “Dear Lord, she says, thank you for answering my prayers and giving my son-in-law a job today and thank you for letting him get away with only minor injuries, I know sometimes I am a bit harsh but I really love him, he’s a good husband and a great father. Surprisingly my headache seems to have gone. As I pass my wife in the corridor she sees me smiling to myself and asks “honey are you hearing voices again?” Yes I say. What are they saying this time? Good things I reply, good things. 

Chapter 2_Do women wrestle?

Are women meant to like wrestling? My elder sister does and she used me to practice her moves while we were growing up. Am not saying am a wimp or anything it’s just that she took my fathers size and strength and left me with very little. But now we’re all grown up and it’s a happy time in the family because my elder sister has finally found Mr. Right. She has had her fair share of guy troubles (which she is very sensitive about) so we’re thankful she’ll soon be strolling down the aisle. With so much love in the air I decide to send my sister a bible verse on love and ask my wife to text one to me. She sends me 1John 4vs 7&8 and I tuck it away to be sent later that day.

Its 4 o’clock and I get a call from my wife, she says my sister is at my place fuming over a bible verse I sent and she wants to know what I sent to her. I check my phone and see I sent John 4vs 18 instead of 1 John 4vs 7 &8 and the bible verse I sent reads “I know you have no husband infact you have had five husbands and the man you're with isn’t even your husband”. Memories of childhood beatings come flooding back but I shrug them off. I am a man now; my sister can’t come to MY house and intimidate me. I’ll just go home and tell her it was all a little mistake.

Its 5o’clock and as I open the front door I see my elder sister’s bloodshot eyes staring through a window. The minute she sees me she rushes at me looking like an electrocuted bush rat. I take off with speed that would make usain bolt jealous. As I sprint to my car I hear her shouting “Na me you dey call ashawo, wait make I show you how I dey cut firewood for house” I make it to my car and speed off. As a wise man once said “he who lives to run away…………………… or something like that

As I drive I ask “why me?” and a voice replies “why not you?”hmmmmmmmmmmm. This situation is more serious then I thought. There’s only one person that can cool down my elder sister and that’s my belligerent grandma. As I begin dialing her number I remember she has a serious hearing problem so I drive over to pick her up instead. It will all be sorted out in no time

Its 6.30p.m and I am on my way home with grandma. As I drive I look in the rear view mirror and grandma asks “what are you looking at boy? Nothing grandma just my reflection. You have got an erection? No ma I said I was just looking at my reflection. What is it about your reflection that’s giving you an erection? You got problems boy. I sigh; this is going to be a long day.

Its 8.30p.m and I enjoy a cold shower. After alot of explaining we settled it all with minimal violence. As I walk downstairs to cuddle my wife I see her watching a sci –fi film on television. There’s this man in a spaceship with frantic eyes, sweating profusely and screaming location 123, location 123, you sent me the wrong co-ordinates am not heading to the moon am heading to the sun. Apollo 16 this is location, we can’t hear you. I said you sent the wrong co-ordinates AM HEADING TO THE SUN. This is location, we cant heeeeeeeeeear you. Well I definitely know how that films going to end. My wife hears me, turns off the T.V and puts on Kenny G. As we cuddle together I think of her and my lovely daughter and say to myself “this is the life” a voice asks “why you?” and I reply “why not me” 

ends of chapter 2 - 
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And now to end of.....a poem from the author:

Give me strength, give me strength

help me rise like the phoenix

drown the banshees cry

save me from Lilith

and protect me from asmodeus

let Micheal come to my aid

and the stones of fire encompass me

lest the fallen cherub devour me

and the spirits of the nephilim possess me

give me strength give me strength

oh creator give me strength

                          written during the days of darkness