...It's me. Again.
This time however, it's a much bigger and deeper cut. I'd love to say that I know where to start, but with you, there's never really a beginning... or an end. There's just always a more than complicated "in-between". A lot of times, I wish that it wasnt as complicated as it always is. This time, the straw broke the camels back.
I need vocabulary more than I have to be able to express these feelings. They're more than even my mind can comprehend, and it's totally unreal. I don't even get me anymore. I don't recognise this person I am when it comes to you. I tell myself that I cannot do certain things, and when I think about you, I end up telling myself that I can. I said I wouldnt fall again, trust again, believe again. When it comes to you, it's as though I don't even have a choice. I just fall, trust and believe. This is not me. I don't know who this person is; this person that says something and does another. I don't recognize her. She smiles without a reason to. She runs into walls lost in thought. She always wants to call or text you, and wishes its you when her phone goes off. She loves without a peice of herself. This girl? No. I don't know her. I recognize the me that says I won't do something, and stick to it. The me that makes my choices. The me that gets irritated at every couple of texts. The me that always loves half-heartedly because of the fear of getting hurt. That's the me I know.
No one has ever made me feel like I am another person in a happier world that I constantly long to be in. You would make me feel that way, and STILL be a stranger. I don't get what it is with you. You take me halfway, the let me walk the rest of the road alone. Why would you start the walk with me if you don't intend to cross the finish line with me? Why would you take my hand and not hold it? Why would you make me stand and not be my support? Why would you make me love, and then hurt me? I wish I understood. But every time I wish, you remind me.. It's only a wish.
It's been an eternity of trying to figure out what it is with us. An eternity suggests the longest time I can think of. I keep telling myself time will tell - my feelings and reality - but you know, there's only so much time tells, before I have to listen to my head, and quit following my heart. My heart brings out the person in me that I don't recognize. My head brings out the me in me that I know. And even though my heart keeps telling me to give it another shot, my head is saying it's not worth the fall again. If I ever told myself that I couldn't move on, you were the one thing I needed to prove to me that I could.
I'm not bitter, mad, or angry. I'm just hurt, but I'm learning to live each day as it comes, knowing that nothing really lasts forever. I knew that I was wishing on a star that was not going to fall, but I wished anyway, hoping that if it was worth it, I could go get it. For so long I thought it was worth it, and chose to believe it, but hey, the best things in life are totally free, and whatever comes at a price, I definitely do without. Easy said? Certainly. Easy done? Not the slightest bit. But I've learned to accept my pain, and fight through it, because from this pain comes the will and power to move on.
I'm not going to say that I can move on in the blink of an eye. I can't. I'm not going to say that I can think about my life without you in it. I can't. I'm not going to say that I will forget you, and everything I've been through because of you. Not happening. What I can comfortably say is, I'm slowly acquiring the ability to live without the people that I love. My first teacher was death. My second has been you.
There's one true confession that my soul bleeds to reveal.
Good-bye.... Stranger
Please remain a stranger to me... FOREVER. :-)
That's Stranger Part II... as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
[Keep up with 'The Stranger Series'... Find part I in my archive!]
Photo credit: http://www.layoutsparks.com/1/196158/i-miss-you-42-1.html
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