... remain in the solace of the moment - the clock is ticking, the window is cracked open so there's cold air blowing in soothing the sweat on your skin in the room steamy with damp ventilation. you hear the leaves rustle through the teeth of the passing breeze, and you tilt your head back a tad bit so it soothes your neck like cold in summer. there's guitar music playing very faintly in the background. It begins to rain slightly, and the drops of water beat your window slowly creating mist, making it impossible for you to see through. the little drops make their way through the crack in the window, leaving water on your window pane that glistens like precious stone from the light shining through the window. It's been that perfect moment.. until...
...something kicks your foot.
Open your eyes...
Reality is a bitch. Take it. or leave it.
Can I just say that I honestly hate how reality hits you hard in the face? Well, I don't care and I'm going to say it anyway. I hate it - not because I want to live a fantasy, but because sometimes you're in a fantasy you want to finish living before you return to reality. You KNOW its there, but you choose a fantasy to get a break from the world. Reality disturbs that. Sometimes, it lets you enjoy things in the moment ONLY, and right after that, its comes back to stare you in the face.
Why is it so hard dealing with the fact that you cannot get what you want all the time? You love someone who doesn't love you back. You have to deal with that reality. You work your ass off but you can't get all the A's. Deal with that reality. You want to be perfect and do things right all the time, but you're imperfect as oil water. Deal with that. You want to be the perfect Christian but you've sinned your whole freaking life. Deal with that. And now the one that keeps playing chords that are not fit for the tune of my heart - You ALWAYS lose those you love... and reality, being the bitch that it is, just says what is always says - Deal with it. You know what? S-c-r-e-w that.
Can I for once live in the fantasy of not losing someone I love? to death? to distance? to circumstance? to flimsy stuff? Cause that is me reality just kicked in the foot. It's been kicking me in the foot since I was born. That is me that reality keeps telling to deal with the fact that I may not be loved back by someone I love; that I can only get some A's; that I can't be perfect; that I am a sinner; that I WILL lose people that I love... and finally, that I have to deal with everything... ALL of it. I don't even have a choice. Wow. Thanks.
I know people play the tape about life giving you what you want, and you making the best out of it. I know that. I know that it doesn't matter what happens to me, but what I make out of what happens to me. I KNOW THAT TOO. But honestly, there are some times when you don't want to hear that. You feel me? There are times when all you want to do is whisper in God's ear "I think I need a change of reality right now." There are times when your heart can only take so much, and then breaks down. There are times when you try to put life together, and reality takes away many, many, many, many, pieces. It just leaves you a mess. Those times.. that I'm living in right now.
God refines me in those times. When i whisper in his ear that i need a change of reality, he just tells me that It's the most beautiful one already. When my heart can only take so much, he holds it in his hands, and mends all the wear and tear. When reality takes away many, many, many, puzzle pieces of my life, he replaces them with strength, forte, and power.
Before that however, he lets me walk through that fire. it burns, and it hurts. it scorches. it stings. It leaves me in helpless pain. It's one step at a time... one phase at a time. Then again, it starts alll overrr. only because reality never stops, and more unfortunately, it never ends.
that's reality.. as i do it.
~***shanpepe***~
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