Humor quotes-Confident people

"Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to."

-Rita Rudner

Movie quotes-Mudflaps

Big bottoms, big bottoms, talk about mudflaps, my girls got ‘em.”

- Spinal Tap

Hilarious quotes-Polite

The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It's true - last time I got frisked, the cop was like, "Have you lost weight?"
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Kicked out!

Over the weekend, a man in Tennessee was kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert because he looked too much like Kenny Chesney. That actually happens a lot - in fact, my grandma was kicked out of an Aerosmith concert for looking too much like Steven Tyler.
- Jimmy Fallon

Temporarily offline

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
- Jay Leno

Hilarious quotes-Women like clothes

"Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to the clothes."

- Rita Rudner

Political quotes-Support

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
- Jay Leno

Bono's gain

U2 singer Bono may have made over $1 billion from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace. - Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Justin Bieber

It's Memorial Day, although it's not a good day for America's favorite Canadian, Justin Bieber. He's wanted for questioning by the Los Angeles sheriff's department. Apparently Bieber had an altercation with a photographer. Bieber went all Mel Gibson on some dude.

Now Justin's on the lam, considered armed and adorable.

The photographer says he was roughed up by Justin Bieber. He had to go to the hospital. Doctors say he'll live, but his masculinity will never fully recover.
- Craig Ferguson

Hilarious political quotes-Misspelling

Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod."
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Trade places

First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, "I'm game!"
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-The Hangover

Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say "The Hangover, Part III?"
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Who does what?

Same-sex marriage would have men married to men and women married to women. Well, who complains about the credit card bill and who says, "Well, you want me to look nice, don't you?" And who writes the thank-you notes and who just signs their name?
- David Letterman

Hilarious quotes-JP Morgan

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.
- Jay Leno

Sarcastic quotes-Facebook shares

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Disorderly conduct

Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.
-David Letterman

Sexual quotes-The way to a man's heart

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
- Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988

Hilarious quotes-Shares of Facebook

As of Friday you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, "Now there's a sound investment."
- Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Secret Service scandal

More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid!
- Jimmy Kimmel

Funny thoughts-Own show

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
- Craig Ferguson