Sexual quotes-Thinking

Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head.

- Advice to teenage boys, quoted in Friendly Advice compiled by Jon Winokur

Sexual quotes-The common thread

The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex.

-Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer, A Natural History of Rape

Famous philosophers quotes-No understanding

What use is knowledge if there is no understanding?

- Stobaeus

Sexual quotes-Voracious appetite

What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh.

- Henry Fielding

Sarcastic quotes-Contemptible auxiliaries

Might, could, would - they are contemptible auxiliaries.

- George Eliot

The break-up

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That's scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can't work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?
- Jay Leno

Sarcastic quotes-Horse races

According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Fast and Furious

Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don't know what's scarier - that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.
- Jimmy Fallon

Sarcastic quotes-Feminist breakthrough

China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go.
- Jay Leno

Bono's gain

U2 singer Bono may have made over $1 billion from Facebook going public. A spokesman for U2 said the band is still going to tour but only because the drummer invested heavily in MySpace. - Conan O'Brien

Hilarious quotes-Justin Bieber

It's Memorial Day, although it's not a good day for America's favorite Canadian, Justin Bieber. He's wanted for questioning by the Los Angeles sheriff's department. Apparently Bieber had an altercation with a photographer. Bieber went all Mel Gibson on some dude.

Now Justin's on the lam, considered armed and adorable.

The photographer says he was roughed up by Justin Bieber. He had to go to the hospital. Doctors say he'll live, but his masculinity will never fully recover.
- Craig Ferguson

Political quotes-Life sentence

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.
- Jay Leno

Sexual quotes-Widespread taste

A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction.
- J.G. Ballard, "News from the Sun," Myths of the Near Future, 1982

Sarcastic quotes-Reversible

Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-JP Morgan

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers.

You know who the real J.P. Morgan is, right? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Commencement speech

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? - that he doesn't know what to say in a commencement speech.
- Jimmy Fallon

Sarcastic quotes-Facebook shares

This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great - now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious quotes-Disorderly conduct

Now they are starting to dig up stuff on Mitt Romney. One time he was arrested for disorderly conduct and being a public nuisance. It was when he was a kid. He had one of his hairs out of place.
-David Letterman

Sexual quotes-The way to a man's heart

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
- Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988

Sarcastic quotes-Probe

The Justice Department has launched a probe into JPMorgan's $2.3 billion loss. I believe it's called "Operation wink, nod, and look the other way."
- Jay Leno