Philosophical quotes-Just as they are

If you understand, things are just as they are;

if you do not understand, things are just as they are.

- Zen Proverb

The break-up

Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That's scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can't work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?
- Jay Leno

Sarcastic quotes-Horse races

According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy? What's next, boxing?
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Fast and Furious

Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don't know what's scarier - that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-Support

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it's gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Life sentence

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it's too bad we couldn't get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.
- Jay Leno

Sarcastic quotes-Reversible

Mitt Romney has been giving his volunteers a free sweatshirt for making phone calls on his behalf. The sweatshirts are just like Romney, 100 percent reversible.
- Jimmy Fallon

Hilarious political quotes-Misspelling

Speaking of Mitt Romney, his campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Today, Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this, or my name isn't Malt Ramrod."
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-The Hangover

Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say "The Hangover, Part III?"
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-Commencement speech

During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? - that he doesn't know what to say in a commencement speech.
- Jimmy Fallon

Political quotes-Financial disclosure statement

President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.
- Jay Leno

Humor quotes-French President

France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.
- Conan O'Brien

Political quotes-Evolution

President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Sarcastic quotes-Dignity

I hosted the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.
- Jimmy Kimmel

Sarcastic quotes-100 most influential people

Time magazine has come out with their 100 most influential people issue, and Newt Gingrich is not on the list. In fact, he's not even on the list of the 100 most influential Newts.
- Jay Leno

Political quotes-Secret Service scandal

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he's reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.
- Craig Ferguson

Political quotes-Tax returns

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.
- Jay Leno

Sarcastic quotes-A trillion dollars

This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.
- Craig Ferguson

Political quotes-New series

President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He's creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts "just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.
- Conan O'Brien

Sarcastic quotes-No Obama

No new jobs, no new houses, no economic recovery. Every cloud has a silver lining because that also means no Obama after November.